He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
