Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
