Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize