Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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