You don't have asthma, your pregnant
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
