he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
