I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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