Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize