I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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