You smell like a Billy Joel song
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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