i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
