apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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