Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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