Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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