I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
