I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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