too bad you live with your parents still
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
