Plan B is the new Plan A
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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