i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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