he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
