So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
