i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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