The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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