I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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