Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
