Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
