Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
