i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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