Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
