Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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