Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
