got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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