glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
