my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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