I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Everyone says I win the strip club
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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