How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
