ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
