i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize