Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's official drugs can't kill me
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
