i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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