No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
