Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
