by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
