i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
