I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
