I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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