i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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