She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
