If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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