sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
