Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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