Why does Corona taste like a burp?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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