I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
