So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize