lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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