Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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