Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
