I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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