I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
