Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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