My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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