I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
